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Monday, May 30, 2011

250 word contest on Is It Hot In Here

Shelly Waters over at Is It Hot In Here is having another contest of awesomeness. This one is a 250 word contest with new agent, Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates. From interviews I've read, Judith just sounds so awesome.  So, for this contest, I'll be posting my first 250 words for a bit of a critique before entering tomorrow (I'm a little late to the party, blame it on Memorial Day Holiday and relatives and kids). Anyway, here we go with the beginning of Nikki's Wish, my YA paranormal that currently sits at 87,000 words.

Nikki's Wish
Chapter 1

I plucked the wallet out of a crater-sized pothole and shook the mud off. Its owner was already halfway down the block. He looked tame enough - leather jacket, faded jeans, dark hair that played freeze tag with the wind. He sprinted across Nicollet Avenue, skipped up to the curb, and proceeded on his way without a sideways glance around him.

Forget about meeting Dad and catching a safe ride home. I had more important things to do. Like chase a stranger through downtown Minneapolis. On a Wednesday night. In the dark. Alone.

I could imagine what my sister would have said: You have no common sense, Nikki. He could be a drug dealer or... or a murderer. I mean, come on. Where's your head?

And I would have replied: Give it a break, Shani. The world is not full of freaks who are out to kill you. 

There was more to my carefree attitude than a need to show her wrong. I was like a wind-up toy springing back to life, and after so many months of feeling like shit, it was a welcome change. Besides, he looked pretty good in those jeans.

He entered the Foshay Tower, and I followed half a minute behind. I came to a full stop and blinked as the door shut behind me. Pink and blue neon lights shone off the walls and cascaded over a checkered floor. Sitting on a donut-shaped desk was a lighted “W”, and to the right was a lounge of sorts with black leather chairs, a wrap-around sofa, and a hot-pink beaded centerpiece that dropped straight from the ceiling.


Mary Kate Leahy said...

I thought you did a good job of making me interested in the character and her relationships in a small space. I would like even more of that and while I enjoyed the description of the Foshay Tower lobby I would have liked more about the inner life of the MC or her relationships at this stage of the game. Also, one small point, I D K that sitting is the best verb for the W on the desk. But it isn't "wrong" just not perfect perhaps. I really enjoyed it and I would read further. You have a talent for letting the reader see what is happening.

S.A. Hussey said...

I enjoyed this. You kept the pace going with just enough description to whet the reader's appetite.

From the comment above, I agree Perhaps you could just remove the word "sitting" altogether and start with, "On a..."

Overall, I enjoyed it.


Angie said...

Thanks for the comments guys. "sitting" not good. Noted. :)

Jolene Perry said...

I'd give more descrip than looked good in his jeans - don't be afraid to say what about them looked good.

I'm intrigued - I love people who have good internal dialogue - especially when they're arguing with themselves.

Nice setup :D

Jolene Perry said...

BTW - Love your header.

Sarah P. said...

This is a good set up. The sitting W didn't bother me, but I admit, I just sort of skimmed through that last paragraph. I'm not a fan of setting description, but that's just me.
I love a good mystery man story and I like that the guy looks good in his jeans. (the love interest in my YA novel also happens to look good in his jeans, so that makes me an instant fan.) :)
Nit picky stuff...the 'crater-sized pothole' is a little cliche, but didn't bother me much. Also, I don't think you have to repeat 'or' in the 'drug dealer or murderer' line. Again, not a huge deal though.
I like that the MC is springing back to life after feeling like shit for months. Intriguing. You've got a good start here.

Yamile said...

I also think you have something very good found on here. I agree also that you can go ahead and say whT looked good about him in jeans. Good job and good luck on the contest!

Sonia said...

Very good! I barely felt like I read 250 words - it felt much shorter. LOL Like how the mc imagines what the sister is going to say and the description of the room she is in now.

Liana Brooks said...

I interested in a character that doesn't automatically think of taking the wallet home. An honest MC is a nice twist for the paranormal genre.

I'd read more.

Bee said...

I liked it, Angie :)
I've read quite a few versions of Nikki's Story on your blog, and I have to say, I like the compactness of this beginning. Right in the middle of the action. Good job.

Angie said...

Thank you so much everyone for your comments!

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I love the voice and the pacing of this first page, Angie. Nice work and good luck! :-)

Erin L. Schneider said...

I know this is after the fact, but I just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed your submit!

Great pace, solid scene / character building, and I definitely loved the voice.

Great job - I'd for sure read more!

Best of luck with the contest!



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